The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF