WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?