The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
taking June’s advice to heart
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
