hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache