Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business