Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Thanks to a fan for this one!
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
me and the Superbowl rn
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Easy enough.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now