someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.