I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position