People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
ibopfufen
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae