My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
i hate you platonically
Do not go gentle into that good night,
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat