How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now