Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
That stupid look on my face, is my face
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
#TopTip
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.