Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Yup
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle