If I weren鈥檛 supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I thought $3 eggs 馃 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 馃憫
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
That stupid look on my face, is my face
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.