a badder mouse
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Got him!
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Not all heroes wear capes….
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase