#TopTip
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher