law suits: quality garments for lawyers
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud