Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Love is always patient and kind.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction