*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Why soy sad?
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming