Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Grandmother clock.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog