I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
By Kate Hatos
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
i feel so bad i refunded him
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play