Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
“you look easy to draw”
Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
(grounding my kid) go outside.
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
honey, bring out the fine china.
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
Thaw me like one of your french fries
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
