Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.