Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺