Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]