Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
🤣😈🤣
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.