Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
🤣😈🤣
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.