A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Anyone want a chair?
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.