Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 馃嚘馃嚭
Me: I鈥檓 tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I鈥檓 so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Me: I have to go I鈥檓 almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 馃え
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they鈥檙e robots.