While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Tell me you get it…🤣
#Caturday
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
