realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back