There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Anyone want a chair?
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
went fishing caught a bass
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.