Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Polite kitties have good etiquecat