I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”