We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Very good news from my accountant
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Received some very disappointing news today
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂