A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*