my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!