Thaw me like one of your french fries
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined
yikes
