How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
the Monday after daylight savings
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”