I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Saw your ex at the shops
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.