Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
🤣🤣
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”