My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
i hate you platonically
Do not go gentle into that good night,
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.