If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
when someone compliments me
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Waiting for the Charmin
