Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.