Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there
ME: and the hell, is it fresh?
2025: oh yes, the freshest
ME: wonderful, and is that my…
2025: your handbasket, yes
If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February
does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?
January 1st: anything is possible
January 2nd: but not today
I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home
extrovert: *answers unknown number*
introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*
“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out
When I was a kid I thought Original Sin meant that everyone had one weird sin they did in their life that no one else had done before and you had to work out what it was
A friend who’s a former British military officer told me that when he was training soldiers in jungle warfare they were taught that if they got lost in the jungle, the first thing they should do was to brew a cup of tea and think about what to do next.
I get so stressed trying to keep track of all my Christmas vouchers. I wish there was a universal voucher you could spend anywhere. Maybe it could have the king’s face on it and come in different denominations.
my dad would read teen books as they were becoming popular so if we asked to read them he knew if they were appropriate, which means that he read the entire twilight saga before i did and was like, “i mean you can read it if you want but it’s really weird.”
News guy: The average person will consume around 4500 calories during the holidays.
Me: Pffft… amateurs.
[getting a retweet]
“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”
Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro