Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
