What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties
My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!
I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.
no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!*turns my chair to get a better view
Me: Carry on.
Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.
I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone
Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth– the groceries in the back of my car
If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts
The new American dream is an alien invasion.
To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.