when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband: