When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣