Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
I wanna be friends with this person
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.