ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
What is going on? 😅
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”