I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
😅😅😅